Vampire Wedding
by VintageLyre
Summary: A mortal is going to marry her vampire groom whom she loves dearly. What will happen during this ghoulish event?
1. Vampire Wedding

**This is just a funny story I came up with, with some added ideas from my sister. We randomly got on this topic, don't ask how, and we were joking around, then figured, why not write a vampire wedding parody? I hope you enjoy!**

**_WARNING:_ Before you read on...IF YOU ARE STRONGLY RELIGIOUS AND ARE OFFENDED BY ANYTHING THAT IS NON RELIGION AND MAKES FUN OF RELIGION, I ADVISE YOU TO STOP NOW AND NOT CONTINUE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

**PS -- I have nothing against religion and I do not mean to offend anyone. There are reasons for what I wrote. If you want questions answered, I'll be happy to do so, about anything. I am not Atheist either...**

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Today would be my last day as a mortal. I was getting ready for my big day, putting on my midnight black wedding gown and doing any other preparations, such as make-up and hair. I hadn't seen my fiancée in over a day since it was not allowed to see the bride before the ceremony. 

When I was prepared and ready to go, I was escorted outside so that I could seat myself in our newly purchased limo hearse. The rest of my wedding party that was meant to be with me up until I walked down the aisle got in as well, making themselves comfortable. Once we were all settled, the driver, Mr. Bones, took us to the site where the wedding would take place.

Upon our arrival, Mr. Bones held the door open for us and we stepped out, making our way to where I would start my walk to my soon to be husband. My maid of honor, and fiancée's sister, Marilyn, was checking me over for last minute touch ups and the like. When she decided she was satisfied, everyone got into place and the dreary organ's music sounded, signaling the start of the wedding.

Soon, my turn came upon me, and I began my tread towards my future…and death. I looked at my love and saw he looked handsome in his black on black suit. He smiled his gorgeous smile at me as I glided my way towards him between the tomb stones. Out of my peripheral vision, I could see Drake's cousin, Blake, step to the side for a better look and trip over someone's grave, falling into an empty one.

It took all of my will power to keep a straight face, and I could see it was difficult for Drake as well. He caught my eye, waiting by the coffin for me, and I had to look away or I would have burst.

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally made it to my beloved Drake and he took my hands in his own, turning us toward the Vampire Union Maker. Without warning, a bat was thrust between us, make a bit of commotion, which soon died down. We had discreetly discovered that it was another of Drake's brainless cousins, by the name of Allen Delon.

We turned our attention once more to the VUM, who smiled at us, and began the ceremony. He spoke for some time about the bond of marriage. When he was done wasting time since the actual ceremony wasn't that long, it's much shorter than that of mortals, he got down to business.

"Is there anyone here, who objects to the marriage between these two people?" he asked the crowd in his Romanian accent.

"No, Mr. Bat Man!" Allen shouted out. "We're all as happy as bats…" He trailed off, snickering.

When Mr. Bat Man was once more about to speak, he was interrupted again.

"Wait, Bat Man, since when do you have an accent, Romanian at that?" Blake asked confused. "You didn't have one before!"

"Did I have an accent?" Bat Man asked, wasting even more time. "I don't recall." He thought for a moment. "It must have been due to the vampire movie I watched earlier for a laugh. Either that…or the Romaine lettuce I had for lunch."

I rolled my eyes while Drake cleared his throat, signifying that the ceremony should continue. I mean, it should have only taken five minutes for Satan's sake!

"Yes, of course. Moving on!" Mr. Bat Man called out. He gibbered on about some more useless rubbish until it was time for one of the big parts, but not _the_ big part.

"Now, it is time for the ceremonial lighting of the cross! Would the bride and groom please step forth?" We did as he bade and were handed a torch each. "Each of you start at either end of the cross." We lit our ends then stepped back and held hands as we watched it burn.

Suddenly, Allen leapt forward from his position among the graves with a marshmallow on a stick, pushing us out of the way. We watched in fascinated horror as he pulled out the necessary items for s'more making from his jacket's inner pockets. He feasted on his creations and then pouted once the cross had turned to ash.

"That was much too fast…burn another one!" he shouted. Drake raised his eyebrow and growled, signaling for Allen to resume his place with the other guests, but Allen only shook his head. "I want more, I'm still hungry!"

I had to squeeze his arm slightly to remind my love to remain calm, and hold off from attacking his cousin until after the wedding. He sighed in resignation, but gave Allen a stern look, causing his cousin to scowl, and storm back to his place in a huff. Thankfully, when that was settled, we got to the last stage of the wedding.

The rings were brought forth, and placed before us. "Drake Ula, do you take Eva Adelina Hadria Paiva Mabyn Zaila," he took a deep breath before he continued, "to be your eternal wife?"

He nodded and smiled, placing the ring on my finger. "I do. Forever."

He turned to me then. "Before I continue, I must say that your name is the longest that I have ever come across. It takes about two minutes to complete it, and it's just _your_ name. It's longer than my name, and mine is only," he paused, "Bat Man." He said the last part dramatically, and as two separate slow sentences. "I just realized something; imagine how long it will take to say your name once you add your husband's surname!"

I heard some of the guests laugh and cover it with coughs, making it sound like cats dying from too many hairballs. I tapped my foot impatiently.

"Can we continue please?" I asked, frustrated. Drake glowered at those surrounding us, daring them to interrupt again…or make fun of my name.

"Very well," he sighed. "Eva Adelina Hadria Paiva Mabyn Zaila, do you take Drake Ula to be your eternal husband?"

I placed the ring on Drake's finger and smiled brightly at him. "I do. Forever."

"Wonderful!" Mr. Bat Man shouted to the sky. "Drake Ula, you may now…kill the bride."

Drake grinned at me and brought me closer, then bit into my neck. I could feel my blood leaving my body as the change took place. He brought me into his lap as he sat down, and waited for it all to be over.

After a matter of minutes, I stood and he kissed me softly on the lips, letting me mold myself to his body. There was an impatient clearing of the throat beside us, and we turned around to see Mr. Bat Man giving us a severe look.

"I didn't say you could kiss her yet. I only said you could kill her!" he shouted at us. "Ah, what does it matter? I now pronounce you vampire and vampiress for eternity. You may now, go on kissing the bride."

We laughed and kissed once more as the VUM made his way through the crowd to his own mode of transportation. We broke apart to the cheers of our fellows as they gathered around us in a group. After some time, we decided to make our way to the reception.

Drake carried me down the aisle through the crowd throwing black beans in celebration, telling me how we would be getting a king sized coffin to share, as well as alluding to how busy we were going to be for a few days….and nights. He then placed me gently in the hearse, getting in beside me. Mr. Bones gave us his congratulations and smiled.

"To the reception, Master and Mistress Ula?" he asked us.

We nodded and Drake spoke. "To the Bat Cave!"

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**So...what'd you think? Stupid? Funny? I'm not too good at humor -shrugs- Review please..:)**


	2. QUICK AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hey kids, it's me. Yes, it's been quite some time. I'm sorry I haven't had quicker updates and that they're taking so long. Hopefully however, this will be my last author's note ever. Quick note: **DO NOT COMMENT THIS NOTE, IT WILL BE DELETED WHEN THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE POSTED.**

All right, here's my news. No, I most likely won't be updating this week, forgive me. It's a little hectic. However, this is not the main subject. The main topic is that I've been trying and thinking of a way to get you information without posting ridiculous author's notes which take up too much space. I was thinking of getting a Live Journal account, or trying, keyword being **try**, to make a website where I can put all the information. After about a month, I've finally done it though in a much easier way! I have a Blogger account now, where I will be posting updates about EVERY story I have in progress on here, and probably on fictionpress as well. I advise you check it out every now and then, because this is the first and last time I will be posting the link to it. Here it is:

**www(dot)addiej(dot)blogspot(dot)com** -- just replace the dots with actualy dots (.)

I will post there as often as possible, which may sometimes be every day, it depends. Every time I have any information, I will post there and update everything. So take a visit, because I'm pretty sure that now the author's notes will stop.

Once again I reiterate: **_DO NOT COMMENT THIS NOTE, IT WILL BE DELETED WHEN THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE POSTED._**

Cheers!

-- VL --


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